Dear Bob,

I thought I should warn you that there's a charming young lady impostor going about claiming to be your daughter. She couldn't fool me, though, because I could remember you very distinctly, and I knew you couldn't be more than 20 years old, yourself, so it would be impossible for you to have a grownup, college-graduate offspring. She must have thought I spelled "Bob" with two "o's". Please don't be unduly alarmed -- the girl didn't sound violent or dangerous, so I just humored her by pretending to believe her fantasy, until I can figure out what she's really up to. I'll keep you informed. She says her name is Karen. Have you had any previous problems with anyone by that name?

Good Lord, Robert! - - How did so many years flash by so quickly?! Who is that old man who stares out at me from my mirror, these days? I'm still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up! I've had to give up on my original plan, which was to make a career of being young, but I have absolutely no prior experience to qualify me for being old, so I just have to keep improvising, day-by-day, vamping and stalling as I frantically sift the meager evidence available, trying to determine how to move on from level one in this Nintendo game of Life. I'm hoping I'll manage to come up with some sort of plan before I find myself being saluted by Willard Scott.

I blush to confess, I'm still trying to make it as an actor...if nothing else, I am tenacious! My inspired tactic has been to outlive the competition, and this ploy has vaulted me from total obscurity to the ranks of the relatively unknown, in just a few brief decades. Had I but known that John Carradine was going to remain so stubbornly vital for so many years, I might have opted for a more practical scheme, but by the time this realization dawned upon me, it was already too late for me to try to learn an honest trade, and politics didn't appeal to me... so there I was ...And here I am, bloodied but unbeaten and only slightly bowed in the Hollywood Wars.